The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
