took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
