I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
