I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
