Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i believe in u and ur pee
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
