new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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