No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
