I'd wear matching sweaters with you
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
