What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
