I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
