seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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