Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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