I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
