Jerry, you need to find god
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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