I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
if only i could text you this smell
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
