I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
