Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
