I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
