eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
