oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
