umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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