fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
