I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
