strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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