This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
