Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize