Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
