you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
