I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
