Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
