: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I didn't notice because vodka
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
