So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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