I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
