I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
you will always have a special place in my vag
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.