my room smells like sperm. sweet.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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