Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
