Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
