exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
