I faked an abortion last night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
