the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
