I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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