i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?