The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I think I sprained my soul last night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
