Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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