This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
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i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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