Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
