I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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