literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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