the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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