apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.