I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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