i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
