Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He passed out mid-signature
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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