Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You can't motorboat a personality
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
