we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm really busy with my period
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