Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
