She went from zero to smokin in five shots
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
